Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Guilty





disobedience [ˌdɪsəˈbiːdɪəns] n – the failure to obey

Guilty.


We talk a lot about disobedience in our home. With a strong-willed 3 year old boy, and an almost 2 year old princess (who has a whole lot more attitude than someone so small should be able to muster), disobedience is experienced frequently, and usually addressed and dealt with accordingly (accounting for bad mommy moments). Big things, small things, we count them equal: “Mommy or Daddy asked you not to do (or do) something, and you did (or didn’t) do it”. Disobedience is disobedience; Guilty is guilty.


This past summer my husband and I started to explore the idea of sending me back to school, on a part-time basis, to obtain a Practical Nursing degree. We had both experienced a stirring in our hearts for international missions and  decided that a good first step would be for me to learn a practical skill to use overseas. I had always hoped to step into nursing at some point but hadn’t planned on considering it until we were ‘done’ having kids and they were all in Kindergarten. (side note: isn’t it funny the things we think we can control until we realize that we don’t really control anything at all? Anyways… off topic….) We knew that this would include a move to Alberta as the LPN program is BC is only offered in a part-time setting at one school, and the wait list is unreal; so we started to pray and plan for September of 2013… unless of course something crazy happened like Ray getting laid off from his very stable, practically union, well- paying job.

Of course, he got laid off. As we started to find other doors closing in our lives in Langley we started to pray and seek, and pray some more…and in conclusion we both found ourselves in a place of peace and excitement for what God had in store. So we took a leap of faith, called our landlord, gave our one months notice and waited for something to happen.

I posted to Fbook that we were moving to Alberta and messaged relatives in Edmonton letting them know that we were looking for a job for Ray and also what we were looking for in a house. We got a message from my Aunt and Uncle the same night saying that they had our dream job and house. We pursued the job (it came with a house) trusting that God was leading us, and found out that I could take my course in Stony Plain which was only 20 minutes from where we would be living. We found ourselves trusting and waiting, and waiting some more, all the way up until a few days before we had to be out of our home ……. and the job was offered to another candidate.


Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged


We still felt strongly that we were being led to Alberta, and had many confirmations as God continued to provide both financially and spiritually. So we packed up the moving truck, said goodbye to everything we found sure and comfortable, and moved into a temporary basement suite in Edmonton, AB. Arriving in Edmonton we began to explore the areas that we liked that had colleges offering a part-time LPN program…

Camrose, AB was beautiful. There wasn’t much for rent but we found a lovely farm house 10 minutes outside of Camrose within our rental budget. We also found out that NorQuest college had a campus in Camrose where I could do my LPN part-time. We traveled to Camrose, saw the house, told the landlord that we could take it if he offered it to us, traveled back to Edmonton and waited for word.
The house was offered to someone else.
(My first thoughts?: they must have had a REALLY good story. )


Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged


We continued to pray and seek and decided that we would pursue Three Hills, AB. (There is a lot of back story to why we pursued a town with the population of 3,500 in the middle of nowhere Alberta where we knew no-one, but I will save that for another day.) Three Hills is the home to Prairie Bible Institute and they offer a Practical Nursing Program. Ray called an electrical company and was essentially offered a job on the phone. As with Camrose there wasn’t a lot available to rent, but there was one suite that was in our price range and when I called to inquire the lovely landlord told me that they had been praying for a couple months for the right family to rent the suite. We drove to Three Hills the next day for Ray to meet his new boss and for us to look at the suite. Everything seemed just about right, and yet as we left town we both had a nagging feeling that we just weren’t sure. Following up on our “gut” (I prefer to term this: The Spirit’s Leading) I made a few phone calls at the school to inquire about the LPN program… pre-admission requirements, tuition, etc… and found out that they no longer offer their LPN program on a part-time basis. We had a job, we had a house if we wanted it, but I couldn’t go to school.


Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged



So, today I have been afraid. And I have been discouraged. I have mourned dreams lost and have cried more than my fair share. I have nagged my husband more than I should be allowed and have been selfish with my time, not giving enough to my children. I have spent the day asking God over and over again what on earth He is doing. I have been a poor example of what it looks like to trust. I have been disobedient. I am guilty… again.

But there is beauty; because in my disobedience I experience once more the full weight of His grace. Where what I deserve is to be left to my own devices, He instead lifts me up. Where I deserve to be left in mourning, He instead brings me to gratitude. And where I deserve to be left to dwell in my own mistrust, He picks me up, sets me back on my feet and gives me the faith to trust for another day;…. and as a parent who delights not in the necessity of discipline but in the opportunity to shower grace upon my children, I know full well that He delights in showering me with His.


disobedient, guilty, and covered by Grace. Thank You